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An attempt at humor: Major changes coming soon to NASCAR

By admin | June 26, 2009

By Richard Allen

 Many fans have been clamoring for change in NASCAR and the crack staff at have been able to get the inside scoop as to some of the things that might be a little different in the near future.

Here are some items to look for:

1. NASCAR will approve a racing version of the Buick Roadmaster with a working left-turn signal. If Mark Martin continues to race for much longer this move will be necessary because it is the dominant car among folks in his age bracket.

2. To create a more even playing field all cars will be fitted with the GPS system which uses the voice of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. to give commands. Every time a driver heads down pit road the unit will say, “There it is! No, wait! That’s it, there’s your pit stall! No! That’s not it. Dang it, just drive on around and we’ll try it when pit road isn’t so crowded.”

3.  NASCAR will announce they have yet another official sponsor. Master Lock will become “The official trophy lock down system of NASCAR” to keep Kyle Busch from being able to smash, throw or crush trophies in victory lane.

4. NASCAR will come up with an unusual way to make ends meet in these trying times. They will charge drought stricken areas a fee for scheduling a race there due to the fact that their appearance almost always assures rain at some point in the weekend.

5. Since the United States has not returned to the moon since the 1970s NASA will get NASCAR to announce that a Nationwide Series race will be held there in 2010. Such a move will assure that Kyle Busch and Carl Edwards will show up there on the given date since these two will seemingly go anywhere to run a Nationwide race. Thus, they will complete a return mission to the moon. Edwards will back flip off the lunar module and Busch proclaim, “That’s one small step for me, but there’s no way Junior could have made it here.”

6. In an attempt to improve the air quality in Southern California NASCAR will announce that their teams will use hybrid cars in all races at the California Speedway. And to further emphasize the point, the teams will give up their cars at the end of the race and allow each of the 43 fans in attendance drive one home as their’s to keep.

7. Due to the recent drug testing incident, NASCAR is going to require that all drivers reveal exactly what drugs they are currently taking in order to prevent more false positives. Joey Logano will be forced to say that he still takes a Flintstones chewable vitamin everyday.

Richard Allen is a member of the National Motorsports Press Association. His weekly column appears in The Mountain Press every Wednesday.

Topics: Articles |

One Response to “An attempt at humor: Major changes coming soon to NASCAR”

  1. bobby dee Says:
    July 8th, 2009 at 8:02 am

    Not bad Richard. Loved the pit stall thing.